Leeward Read online

  Those five years, a mere Freudian interlude, were when I first fell in love with women; I discovered music, plants and books; I had my first ideas about politics and the universe. The places I knew then are where I return to at night in my sleep. They have a singularity and strangeness; they are where I first became fully aware.

  I was too young to understand we had moved from ‘Ivanhoe’, which had three bedrooms, to a house that had only two (my mother may have welcomed the fact that I would continue sleeping in the marital bedroom). The skinny house was large and imposing. This thrilled me. Viewed from the water, the skinny house was an oddity – just one room wide and four stories high. The side-on view was less odd – it was three rooms deep. On the title deed it was named ‘The Shingles’, but my father had replaced the old shingle roof with glazed red terracotta tiles. Our new address was 51 East Crescent Street, McMahons Point.

  My first walk up the hill to the skinny house may have been blissful, but I was filled with despair by a small wasteland between the windowless southern wall of ‘Fifty-three’ and the skinny house. A dank gutter, about 60 centimetres deep, ran along the base of the blank wall, a haven for mosquitoes. Their larvae could be seen wriggling in the water. A derelict outdoor brick toilet and a fibro laundry of indeterminate age inhabited this wasteland between the houses.

  This run-down laundry was where my mother now did the washing. My sister was a girl, four and a half years older than me, and was expected to help. I was a spectator: my mother shaking flakes of soap from a packet into a copper lit by a circle of little blue flames; wisps of steam as she stirred the clothes and bed sheets with a short wooden pole; soapy water spilling on the concrete floor as she hoisted the washing with the pole into a polished cement basin for rinsing; finally a mangle, turned by my mother, cranking each garment and sheet into a second basin.

  The damp clothes were stowed in a pale wicker basket, marked with large faded red initials. Woollen jumpers were spread out on clipped privet bushes. Other items were hung out on a wire clothesline strung between two wooden posts. Props (long branches, forked at the top) supported the line where it might sag under the weight of wet clothes.

  Nothing was expected of me, except to dry dishes, dress myself for school and do my homework – my school days began soon after we moved into the skinny house.

  I had self-imposed tasks. My mother’s thin lips could not hide a smile when I announced I wanted a bucket of hot water to wash the rocks. I carried this, slopping and spilling, down the hill, a cake of soap and piece of old cloth in my other hand. At a certain point the steps were flanked by rocks which had weathered to a dull grey. I had seen the colour of newly cut stone, when my father built a rockery. After washing the rocks, I sat there and imagined pink and gold tints just beneath the surface. Then they dried and were grey as before.

  Another self-imposed task was making wine from my aunt’s grapes. My father’s sister Agnes still lived about a mile away in Walker Street, in a dilapidated timber cottage on poles, built by her father. A large open workshop under the house – a dim cavern of old tools and building materials with an earth floor – was separated from the garden by latticework between the poles. The house was set back behind trees, bamboo and shrubs, and to reach it we crossed a wooden bridge across a creek. It was a place of enchantment. Before he died, in 1891, my grandfather planted vines that fruited heavily with inedible red wine grapes. I persuaded my father we should make them into wine. A row of tall Vacola jars stood for months on the ledge of our laundry window, filled with dark fermenting juice, clouds of white scum forming on the red surface. The smell must have got to my mother. They were emptied out.

  I also tried making olive oil from the hard green olive-like seeds of the Lord Howe Island palms at ‘Fifty-three’. A slurry was all I got after persuading my mother to let me boil them in a pot for an hour. Olive oil was not used for culinary purposes at the time and came in a pharmaceutical manufacturer’s bottle with brown-green print on a cream label. We were given a tablespoon of olive oil to swallow if we were sick. Very sick children were made to gag on castor oil (which was ghastly and is now used only for industrial purposes, such as brake fluid).

  When we sounded croupy, eucalyptus oil was mixed with boiling water in a basin, and we breathed in hot eucalyptus steam, nostrils stinging, a tea-towel draped over our head like a tent, inside a white world where nothing else existed.

  My knees collected scabs from falls caused by the steep slope of the land. A favourite spot for falling down was where an asphalt path was crumbling into a ditch beside the cellars. If I hit my forehead, my father would say, ‘Iris, he’s got another egg’, and I would be rushed inside, where butter was applied to the swelling.

  The skinny house, where my ‘eggs’ were ministered to, was demolished fifty years ago.

  Freud’s account of the unconscious has lasted better than his phases. The cellars of the skinny house were like Freud’s unconscious: vast, dark and exciting. The door to this subterranean realm was of heavy wood panelling, painted a faded pastel green, and bolted and padlocked. It opened onto a series of cellars. As my father pulled a cord to light up the cobwebbed corridor, brown moths, startled, flapped past, as big as small birds, and brushed us with their wings. He filled these dim rooms with used timber and iron pipes, stacked on wooden frames raised on bricks, to stay clear of the earth. There were a few remnant boards where there had been a wooden floor. Walls of crumbling sandstone rubbed away at a touch. A small rivulet, red with iron oxide, had carved a narrow channel in the soft earth. A disused stairway, leading up into the main part of the house, had been blocked off. The cellars, formerly servants’ quarters, had been condemned for human habitation. Digging for buried treasure there, we found shattered pieces from a nineteenth century dinner set.

  The main cellar, at the end of the corridor, had a cement floor and was my father’s workshop. On the wall above a mantelpiece, painted outlines of plates and jugs indicated where valuable items were to be put back by the servants after use. He had a power saw with a steel bench and a lathe. Benches along the walls had drawers full of wrenches, hammers, chisels, planes and screwdrivers. He also had a small kiln. A trombone and a frame for restringing tennis racquets were hanging on the wall, but he did not play tennis or the trombone. In my early twenties, having been chased by a Labrador dog when picking up a girlfriend, I called on my father in his cellars to get a water pistol. He pulled open his drawer of water pistols: ‘What do you want it for, son? A dog?’

  He felt it was his duty to educate me in the use of tools. I went with him by train (we had no car) across Sydney to buy his saw-bench. We were led up a grassy suburban backyard into a shed, a home handyman’s Aladdin’s cave, glinting with tools neatly arranged on shelves, where we were shown the bench that was for sale – with its machined, polished steel and green paint. The owner no longer needed it, he explained, and indicated his new and more elaborate saw-bench, which my father inspected respectfully and perhaps with envy. I was glad not to be the man’s son. I preferred my father’s eccentric clutter.

  One of the repetitive sounds of my childhood was the whining roar of a circular saw, rising to a crescendo as it ripped through timber – deafening, despite fingers blocking my ears – and the relief when the blade had cut through, singing as it revolved freely in the air. My father spent weeks in his underground workshop, machine-sawing rosewood planks into long slender slats. I was disappointed when he coated the red, finely grained wood with gloss cream paint, a tint named ‘new ivory’, and the slats became venetian blinds for his flatettes in the decayed mansion next door.

  I accompanied him to auctions where he bought large, framed engravings of grazing cows, lions, and desert scenes. This was a way of getting cheap window glass when he enclosed the verandas of his flatettes. He indicated I should touch the point of a glass cutter – an industrial diamond, he explained. Then he ran the glass cutter along the length of a sheet of glass, guided by a rule, and pulled the glass apart ba
re-handed. He spent hours machinebuffing the white painted letters ‘ULVA’ (United Licensed Victuallers Association) from hotel glasses.

  His tenants all had ice chests (supplied by my father). I would watch the iceman park his van and hurry in with blocks of ice suspended on steel tongs. We, however, had no ice chest or refrigerator. My father insisted on cheaper alternatives for us. Every day, except Sunday when the shops were closed, my mother walked up the hill to Blues Point Road and bought fresh meat. For a year or so after the war, she handed over small creamcoloured coupons from a ration book. The butcher’s shop smelt of dried blood and sawed bones. Diana and I stood beside her in the sawdust on the red-painted concrete floor. The price was rung up on a mechanical till with a keyboard, and when we got home, we stored the meat in a ventilated metal meat safe. We ate cheaper cuts: chuck steak for stews, lamb chops, offal, and perhaps rump steak once a week, as a treat. We had roast legs of lamb and mint sauce made with brown vinegar, sugar and mint from our garden.

  Our mother also handed over a coupon at the grocery shop for butter. We stored butter and milk in an evaporative butter cooler. A muslin cloth, weighted with glass beads, was draped over a perforated metal cylinder resting in a rim of water.

  Sometimes I’d see the long brown neck of a draft horse, leather blinkers over its eyes, swallowing from a water trough on the corner of Blues Point Road and East Crescent Street. Milk was delivered by horse and cart, the large hooves of the draft horse, surmounted by white fetlocks like woolly socks, clipclopping on the road outside our house in the early morning.

  My father suspected the milkman of watering the milk; bottled milk, which could not be adulterated, was more expensive, so my father persisted in leaving out a large grey-blue enamel billy up at street level, to be filled. Rushing out when he heard the milkman, and taking the lid off the billy, he would inspect the surface of the milk for traces of cloudiness, where added water may not have mixed in. We drank this milk early in the day, while it was still cool and before it was insipid and warm. The milkman’s horse deposited manure in the street, like clumped grassy kidneys. My father, a keen vegetable grower, promptly fetched his shovel.

  In later years, he sold the ice chests from his flatettes as scrap metal and installed refrigerators. Armed with a pressure gauge and steel canisters of refrigerator gas, he became an expert refrigerator mechanic. Then to his disgust, manufacturers stopped making open-unit refrigerators. The sealed units, which replaced them, enclosed the motor and compressor in a welded steel casing, and had to be sent back to the factory for maintenance.

  My father kept repairing his fleet of older-style refrigerators, with their rust spots and perishing rubber seals, until the last years of his life. He had an old self-latching refrigerator, which sat at a slight angle on a brick path outside his laundry, open to the sun and rain, a death-trap for any child who might crawl inside and have the door slammed on them.

  Like all McMahons Point houses, the skinny house faced the water. A set of stone steps led up to the level above the cellars and a stone-paved front veranda looking out across Lavender Bay. On each side of the landing there was a balustrade with a heavy wooden handrail supported by two intertwining iron dolphins. The dolphins, my father said, had been the table legs in the dining saloon of Ben Boyd’s yacht, the Wanderer, wrecked off Port Macquarie in the 1850s.

  This level had a dining room and kitchen, and a large drawing room. After our evening meal in the kitchen my father, wearing second-hand spectacles, did paperwork sitting in the dining room at an oak dining table. There were matching oak chairs upholstered with artificial leather. My sister and I sat there too, doing homework, and would be joined by my mother after she had cleaned up in the kitchen. Puss (Mrs Holmes’s former cat) perched on the windowsill gazing in, beside an aspidistra growing in a brass pot. If he was sick, the pink tip of his tongue protruded, endearingly I thought. We could see from across the bay the blazing lights of Luna Park, with its carousels reflected in the water.

  My father had an ability to spend much of his life asleep, and his midday nap was on a settee under the window. My mother’s niece Evelyn Boardman used this settee as her bed, when she stayed with us for a few weeks, as a young trainee teacher. Evelyn smoked cigarettes, had a firm, decisive voice and full lips and cheeks. She was already more sophisticated than my nonsmoking, delicate mother. At seven years of age, I was intrigued.

  Our winter heating cost us nothing thanks to the North Shore Gas Company. We collected coke from our beach, floating in on the tide from Balls Head Bay, where it was dumped into Sydney Harbour by the gasworks, as waste (my father explained).

  On winter nights we had a coke fire in a small iron fireplace in our dining room. I crouched on a mat, gazing into blue and red flames and flickers of yellow. The fireplace was set under a mantelpiece of greenish-black marble, streaked with white. A black marble French clock, with a round white enamel face, and another much smaller clock balanced on the tip of a metal elephant’s trunk, rested on the shelf.

  We listened to the evening news – always from the government broadcaster, the ABC – from a freestanding radio in a timber veneer console next to the fireplace. At night (if I peered in at the back of the console), the valves were like tiny lit up towers in a futuristic city, signalling to each other.

  I was a priggish eight-year-old, my mother’s loyal disciple, and uninterested in the vulgar entertainment across the bay at Luna Park. One afternoon I was listening to a broadcast of a Wagner opera, intrigued by the music and the pedantic, highpitched voice of the German-accented announcer from Bayreuth. I was listening avidly, but with little comprehension. My mother kept reminding me I was supposed to be at a boy’s birthday party down the road. I knew she despised the people in our working-class neighbourhood. There was a knock on the door, and a child asking my mother where I was. She called out to me several times. No, I told her. I wanted to go on listening to the opera. She made some excuses and sent the boy away.

  An operatic company visited Sydney after World War II. On the morning when tickets came on sale, my mother trekked with my sister and me into the city. We lined up in a queue of hundreds, stretching around a city block. She bought tickets for a matinée performance of Gounod’s Faust. As Mephistopheles descended into Hell, he was surrounded by an instantaneous circle of orange neon light. Even a five-year-old realised someone had flicked a switch.

  Our kitchen walls were a cream colour. There was an emu on the white oven door of a gas stove in an old chimney-place. All family meals were eaten around a dark wooden kitchen table with a cream glass top, except Christmas dinner and the rare occasions when we entertained relatives in the dining room. My parents never asked friends to dinner.

  ‘Eat up’, was a refrain of my childhood. Until the age of seven or eight, I was often spoon-fed, almost force-fed. I detested my mother’s corned beef. It was streaked with yellowish-white fat, had a rancid smell and contained fragments of boiled string and bitter-sweet cloves. My father grew many of the vegetables we ate: he allowed his round beans to ripen until they were stringy and bitter. The fatty, leathery taint of his broad beans made me feel ill. His chokoes, a favourite food of his – prolific and easy to grow – had the flavour of transparent flesh mixed with wood fragments (the seeds).

  The most nauseating meal of all (I thought) was the midday salad on weekends: iceberg lettuce cut into thin ribbons, tomatoes chopped in small bits, gratings of raw carrot and aged cheddar, beetroot and fragments of hard-boiled eggs. Tossed with sugar, salt and brown vinegar, this concoction had a wet, gritty texture. Even food I liked, my mother made uninteresting. She boiled potatoes and pumpkin until they became bland threedimensional replicas of themselves.

  Not every meal was a battleground. My mother cooked a wonderful steak and kidney pie with a lining and lid of suet pastry made from beef dripping. We ate a great variety of meats: lamb, rabbit, tripe, crumbed brains and liver – all of which I enjoyed, apart from corned beef. The strong ammoniated flavour of liver
was a challenge, but I ate it – co-operatively, I thought. Favourite dishes of my father’s were pickled ox tongue, served hot; and oxtail soup, which he spent days cooking up, its rich, fatty smell pervading the house. My mother was silently critical of this dish as some kind of working-class aberration.

  ‘The cat knows it’s Tuesday’, my mother announced on Tuesday mornings. This was the day when the rabbit-oh called by in his small panel van and we ate rabbit in a white sauce with parsley. Rabbit scrags were given to Puss. Puss was fed in the kitchen with chopped-up meat or fish then milk in a china saucer, licking his whiskers when he finished. Unaware cats can’t taste sweetness, I occasionally flavoured his milk with a sweet ‘lime’ cordial dyed chemical green, that I loved, called ‘Green Ice’.

  My mother drank frequent cups of milky tea with sugar, always with a bad conscience. Tea gave her freckles, she said. Proud of her ‘fair English complexion’ and ten years old when she came to Australia, she thought people who grew up here looked coarse. I was a smiling, freckle-faced urchin sitting at the foot of the La Perouse monument in a photograph my father took. My mother hated freckles and tore it up.

  Every December Diana and I went with our father to the Andronicus shop near Circular Quay to order two boxes of chocolates for Christmas – long cardboard boxes, the colour of milk coffee, decorated with brown and white lettering and heraldic insignia. On Christmas Day, when we were allowed to open one of them, Diana and I would read the printed description of the fillings many times, before choosing.

  We once went to the very top of the large Farmer & Co department store on the corner of George and Market Streets – to the smallgoods department. It was an unexpected outpost in a shop that mostly sold clothes. There was a hushed atmosphere, the smell of bacon and large blocks of cheese. Speaking across a long curved glass-fronted refrigerator to a man in a white chef ’s outfit, my father solemnly ordered a chicken for Christmas – a luxury item, something my sister and I had never eaten before.